East Taieri Preschool

At Preschool we endeavour to provide an environment that promotes Manaakitanga.  Manaakitanga is the value of caring, kindness, hospitality and showing respect for others through aroha (love) and this encourages humility in the group.  Our aim is that every child can develop their skills to become the best person they can be.  

How to teach empathy

Children don't have the cognitive skills to truly understand the concept of empathy until they're around 8 or 9.  But 4 year olds, usually highly preoccupied with fairness, are concerned about being treated well, and they want others — friends, strangers, even characters in books — to be treated well too.  Here's how to nurture these budding displays of empathy.

What you can do?

Label the feeling.  Your young child will be able to understand and manage their emotions much better if they can recognise their feelings, so put a name to their behaviour as often as you can.  Say, for instance, "It was very kind of you to talk to that boy who was all alone on the swing.  He might have been feeling lonely."  By hearing that you noticed their behaviour, they will learn that you recognise and value their responsiveness.  Children need to understand negative emotions, too, so don't be afraid to calmly point out when your 4 year old's being less than caring.  Try saying, "It made your baby brother really sad when you grabbed his rattle.  What could you do to help him feel better?"

Another way to teach your young child to understand and define their emotions is to have a "feeling of the week." Each week, put up on the refrigerator or bulletin board a picture of someone experiencing a basic emotion — sadness, happiness, surprise, anger.  Work your way up to more complicated emotions, such as frustration, nervousness, and jealousy (clip magazine photos or illustrations that capture these feelings).  Talk with your child about times when she felt the same way.

Praise empathetic behaviour.  When your young child performs an act of kindness, tell them what they did right, and be as specific as possible: "You were very generous to share your special stickers with Tommy.  I saw him smiling, and I know he was happy."

Encourage your young child to talk about their feelings — and yours.  Let them know that you care about how they feel by listening intently.  If they have a story about someone else ("Tommy got in trouble for shoving Therese, and I don't think that was fair"), listen to their views before offering your own.  And when they say they’re mad, paraphrase what they say — "Oh, you're feeling grumpy today?" — so your child knows you're listening and they feel encouraged to elaborate.

Similarly, share your own feelings with your child: "It makes me feel bad when you yell at me.  Let's think of another way for you to tell me you're angry."  This is also a fine time to share some of your feelings that don't relate to your child's actions. You can say, "I'm frustrated that I didn't meet my deadline at work today" or "I got annoyed with Aunt Mary today, just like you get mad at your sister. But we're still friends." Your 4 year old will learn that adults have feelings and emotions too, that they're a normal part of life, and that learning to cope with them is an important part of growing up.

Point out other people's behaviour.  Teach your young child to notice when someone else has behaved kindly.  You might say, for example, "Remember how friendly your new teacher was when you started swimming lessons?  She helped you feel less scared."  By doing this, you reinforce their understanding of how people's actions can affect them emotionally.  Books also provide wonderful opportunities to explore emotions.  Ask your 4 year old how they think the children in a fairy tale are feeling, and whether they think they’d be scared or brave in the same situation.  Tell your child how you might feel too.

Teach nonverbal cues.  At the playground or park, find a quiet place where you and your 4 year old can sit and observe others without being rude.  Play a game of guessing what other people are feeling, and explain the specific reasons for your own guesses: "See that man?  He's walking really quickly and his shoulders are hunched, and he's making a mean face.  I think he's angry about something."

Teach basic rules of politeness.  Good manners are a great way for your young child to show caring and respect for others. "Please" and "thank you" are phrases 4 year olds should use automatically.  Even if these phrases sound rote at times, they teach children how important it is to treat others with respect.  Of course, being polite to your child is worth a thousand rules and explanations.  Say "please" and "thank you" regularly to your young child and to others, and they will learn that these phrases are part of normal communication, both at home and when you are out and about.

Don't use anger to control your child.  Though it's easy to get upset when they sneak the biscuit you told them not to eat before dinner, try not to use anger as a tool to manage their behaviour.  "When you say, 'I'm really mad at you,' children shut down and withdraw.”  Teaching by instruction and example is much more effective, although it's important to let your child know you're disappointed. Instead of getting angry, take a moment to calm yourself down.  Then say firmly, "I know you wanted that biscuit, but it upsets me that you ignored what I told you."

Give your young child jobs.  Research suggests that children who learn responsibility also learn altruism and caring. Four year olds can take over simple jobs, such as feeding the dog or clearing the dinner table.  Don't forget to pile on the praise for a job well done and point out that your child's actions benefit everyone: "Thanks for remembering to set the table.  We're all really hungry, and you've helped us sit down to dinner a lot faster."

Ask your child to think of others.  Each day is full of opportunities to remind your 4 year old to think about how someone else might feel. "It's simple — say you're in the grocery store and your child asks for some liquorice. Say, 'Sure.  Now, do you think your little sister would like us to bring home some for her?'"

Pay attention to your child's social life.  Asking specific questions about people in their daily life reinforces the importance of social relationships and treating people well.  Questions such as "What kind thing happened to you today?" and "What did you talk to Tommy about when you were reading books?" can lead to discussions about treating others with respect and kindness.

Involve your child in charitable activities.  Acts of kindness and charity are an excellent way to teach her empathy.  When you take a meal to a sick neighbour or a friend with a new baby, let them help plan the menu.  They can pack a bag of clothes to donate to a local charity and choose some of the toys they have outgrown to give as well.  Help them write a thank you letter to Grandma for a birthday present.  Explain that sometimes people need extra help, don't have the basics that they need, or would just feel happy to receive a sign of appreciation.

Expect the same behaviour from boys and girls.  Our society commonly considers men to be less empathetic than women.  So sometimes, even without realising it, we demand and praise empathetic behaviour less often in boys than in girls.   We set up this 'boy code' that goes on and on throughout their lives — 'I gotta be tough.'  But boys can learn empathy just like girls.